How Snape Stole Christmas
by Aurora Lynn Rose
Summary: Oh boy... I've wanted to write one of these for a long long time... *grins a grinchy grin and snarls with a sneer* Well, no need to wait longer.. it's finally here! Written for a SNEEZE challenge, a bit flameworthy, but hey, ASK ME IF I GIVE Aaaah'm a lum


A/N A SNEEZE challenge. I've wanted to write a Grinch parody for a long time. Heh, go me. This  
fic is flame-worthy, just know that IDGARA! Ahem, yes. These were the requirements:  
  
-Someone must say, "Sie sind Ein von ihnen!" which  
is German for, "You're one of them!"  
-I love this next one. CROSSDRESSING! And a heck  
darn lot of it! : )  
-A teacher must get the axe! (Whether they're  
beheaded or fired is up to you)  
-At least 3 people must die EXTREMELY unusually!   
Hehe.  
  
  
And THIS, is the fic!  
  
  
All the students at Hogwarts  
Loved Christmas a lot  
But Snape, in the dungeon  
Clearly did not  
  
Old Snape hated Christmas  
The whole Christmas season  
You wanna know why?  
Only I know the reason...  
  
Long, long ago  
When Snape was a lad  
On a cold Christmas morning  
A shoe killed his dad  
  
It fell from the sky  
From a blue winged llama  
And knocked him right over  
On top of Snape's mama  
  
And he was so heavy  
That Snape's mama broke  
And she drowned in a pool  
Of conveniently placed coke   
  
So Snape sat in his dungeon  
His shoes on the floor  
He heard some strange music  
On the other side of a door  
  
He followed the tune  
Through the halls made of stone  
And found Draco Malfoy  
And he wasn't alone  
  
The huge room smelled  
Of sweet butterbeer  
All the Slytherins danced  
With much holiday cheer  
  
Snape turned red in fury  
Grabbed Draco, and then  
Screamed in his face:  
"SIE SIND EIN VON IHNEN!  
  
"You LIKE this... this Christmas!  
You all do, I feel it!"  
Then he got an idea...  
'I know! I can STEAL it!'  
  
He laughed like a monkey  
Who was high on cocaine  
And dragged Draco to his office  
To give him the cane  
  
Once in his office  
He started his plan  
But Malfoy cried out  
"I AM NOT A MAN!  
  
"I thought I was, really  
But I must confess  
I looked good wearing robes...  
BUT I'M DEAD SEXY IN A DRESS!"  
  
Snape goggled at the child  
Whose skirt was quite pretty  
Black tank top to match it  
Purchased in New York City  
  
"O... kay..." replied Snape  
Not knowing what else to say  
Then, "BEGONE!" he ordered,  
"I MUST stop Christmas Day!"  
  
So off Malfoy scampered  
And tripped down the stairs  
And died when he landed   
But, nobody cares  
  
So, Snape got to work  
And made a Santy Claus suit  
Complete with red jacket,  
Hat, pants, and boots  
  
He went off to Hogsmeade  
And bought a whole lot of sacks  
And while he was there  
He got a dog named Max  
  
He built a flying sleigh  
And took some red thread  
And put a big horn  
On the top of Max's head  
  
The clock struck midnight  
And Snape set to work  
He was gonna steal Christmas,  
that oily old jerk!  
  
He took all their presents!  
He burned all their trees!  
Decorations? All ruined!  
He cackled with glee (glee, such a funny word....)  
  
Then he went to the kitchens  
And, (how very rude!)  
He tied up the elves  
And took all the food!  
  
The sun was rising  
When he finished the job  
He hid all the loot  
Waiting for the great sob  
  
"Oh, this will be priceless!"  
he snarled with a sneer,  
"They'll all start crying  
When they see Christmas ain't here!"  
  
But then the students gathered  
A miraculous thing  
They all joined hands  
And started to sing  
  
Snape turned bright red  
And then he turned blue  
But then, another miracle:  
His heart suddenly GREW!  
  
He jumped out of his seat  
And giggled and bounced  
"I feel so... fuzzy!"  
He loudly announced  
  
He hugged Harry Potter  
"I LOVE YOU!" he cried  
But then an axe came out of no where  
And hit him, and HE died!  
  
So the group of dazed students  
Blinked with suprise  
As blood from the wound  
Trickled into his eyes  
  
"HEY!" Prathdrake shouted  
From somewhere we can't see  
"Stop with the blood,  
this is rated PG!"  
  
ALR said sorry  
And the story went on  
Dumbledore stood  
"Well... Professor Snape's gone...  
  
"Thank you, dear Neville  
For throwing that axe  
Now, let's go to the dungeon  
And steal Christmas back!"  
  
And the students of Hogwarts  
Threw their hats towards the ceiling  
For Snape was not living  
Oh what a great feeling!  
  
And they ate their great feast  
Till their stomachs were rollin'  
For at Hogwarts school  
Christmas cannot be stolen! 


End file.
